This is a discussion I have had with lots of clients and have heard lots of conversation around this topic from many.
“…But he is not my type.”
“ She is not my type.”
There is a concern when 2 people have not even met and there is the pre-conceived ideology of what works for you and what does not. Most pre-conceived ideologies are either based on past experiences or a wish list you have put together. It might be a height requirement you have imposed, an aversion to a pet he or she has, not participating in the same activities, not travelled as much, or not liking the “photo”. Everyone is individual and should be treated as such. With desirable characteristics, there comes undesirable characteristics. It is inevitable.
Some people say that in the past, this has been “my type” that I have been attracted to and proceeds to provide specifics. In the words of Dr. Phil, “How is that working for you so far?” That is the exact problem. If it was in the past, that is because it did not work. Possibly it is time to think outside the proverbial box? Each person is unique and until you meet, it is impossible to say how the 2 of you connect and enjoy each other’s company.
In the past 10 years, everyone is becoming very accustomed to “shopping” online to pick the qualities they are seeking in a partner. It is similar to trying to literally create the version of the man or woman you would like to meet. The problem is that you meet and realize the person is not at all what you thought he/she was. The pool of smart, strong, successful, financially well-off, attractive, tall, fit, slender/ athletic, youthful looking, beautiful head of hair, fashionable, and within a given age range, all wrapped into one is probably less than 1%. So that means that there are 99% of other men or women who you would not even consider “meeting”. That seems like a lot of people to pass up and still hoping to find one person who fits your tall list. This is before even looking at someone’s personality, religious beliefs, and how he or she might treat you. Which traits would you prefer- kindness or a certain look? The person who fits into the 1% pool, likely has the opportunity to meet and go out with pretty much anyone who he or she chooses. While you might be interested in him or her, is he or she interested in you?
The truth is we really don’t know who our type is. We all have a preconceived view of what that person might be like. However, if it has not happened in your past experiences with that “type”, maybe it is time to be open to other characteristics and traits?
We are all very quick to have a tall list for the prospective partner, yet we have not really considered that we all come with shortcomings. If we are being truthful, we would need to acknowledge our own shortcomings. While a humbling process, it is a reality. There will always be someone who is smarter, taller, thinner, or more successful, but it does not mean that we are not a great “package”. It might be that we are not as tall as we would like to be, have a few extra pounds, are lacking the beautiful head of hair or enjoy different activities. In every relationship, it will require accepting the good with the bad, but it is really the package you accept. There is merit in accepting others’ shortcomings in hopes that they will accept us for all that we are- taking the desirable traits with the less desirable. We can look at all their great qualities which can be a very long list, or we can focus on their shortcomings- likely a shorter list. I think we all stand to be more success, if we can focus on the good, rather than the bad.
“Your type” should be a fluid concept. Those who are more open-minded will have much more fun and more opportunities to meet many people, if they throw out the long list and soul search of what is most important in a relationship to you. It might be how you are treated, it might be having someone who is supportive of you or might be how comfortable you feel with each other. Everyone is different and will place the emphasis on what really matters most to him/ her.
So here is your homework– consider your shortcomings or things you would like to be different about you. Some of them are changeable and some are not. For example, there is not anything we can do about our height. However, we can change our weight. If you are critical and negative, you can work to change to becoming more positive in the way you see things. From this exercise consider, what others must accept in you, as a package, and what you would be willing to consider in a person you “meet”. Anything is possible if you give the person a chance and meet.
Being open minded allows for more opportunities! With opportunity there are possibilities….